Geography for Americans: The MicroRepublics of Central Asia

What used to be represented by a blur in our collective consciousness, Central Asia, is now emerging from the geographical fog of the American mind. As our forces have been stomping the kebabs out of Afghans, Tajiks, Uzbeks and all kinds of other folks over there in that craggy and dusty part of the world, they have come home and regaled us with tales of unpronounceable peoples and places. It seems that the stories of our soldier sons and daughters have to some extent ignited the flame of curiosity in us about these ancient cultures. No longer content to live in an isolationist torpor, we at home now yearn to know about all of the inhabitants of these faraway lands, that we might understand them, learn from them and eventually annihilate them, too. The greater countries, like Iraq and Afghanistan, are by now well known to us. But we have come to learn that there are scores of small principalities and regions that are much more obscure. The more we know others, as men of wisdom say, the more we know ourselves, so let us introduce ourselves to the three "MicroRepublics" of Central Asia: Turdistan, Nerdistan and Jerkistan.

Figure 1. The Lands of Gonzonia 

Brief History. This part of the world, Gonzonia, is thought to be one of the places where the Caucasian race first appears beyond the veil of history; this can be determined by the archaeological discovery of khaki pants at the Gongoozle site. It was originally inhabited by a branch of the Hittites called the Borborygms; later the Scythians, Persians and Greeks engulfed the region within their imperial borders. The Mongols as well came through these valleys as they cut their swath through Asia and Eastern Europe, but they left no major settlements or outposts. Turkic peoples left a durable mark, particularly the Tatars and the Seljuks. The British subjugated almost all of Gonzonia in the 19th Century, dividing it into the three great territories largely along ethnic lines. Russia and later the Soviet Union dominated the region until the latter part of the 20th Century.

Although they are distinctive peoples, their cultures, languages and religions bear the mark of almost all of the foreign influences of their conquerors. The Turks brought Islam, for example, but frustrated Muslim scholars complained that the inhabitants could not be made to understand the fundamental beliefs. Anglican and Protestant Christianity fared little better under the British. Orthodox Christianity under the Russian Empire had modest success, as it was not well understood even by the conquering Russians, but the official Atheism of the Communist Party caused what little discernible religion was left to atrophy into almost unrecognizable vestigial beliefs.

With the 21st Century we have seen a resurgence of nationalism and ethnic identity and even a renewed interest in religion. While under the Seljuks Gonzonia was a unified Khanate, and it had retained a sense of geographical identity for several centuries, recent years have seen the three regions, now called "MicroRepublics," devolve into almost continuous conflict.

 I. Turdistan. 

Figure 2. The Flag of the Democratic Republic of Turdistan. The people of Turdistan identify with the camel, as it is a beast of burden in Central Asia. This is somewhat ironic because the Turds are not thought to be very industrious. They excel, however, in telling others what to do, and especially what to think. 

The Westernmost part of Gonzonia is known as "The Democratic Republic of Turdistan." Of the three MicroRepublics, Turdistan was the most influenced by Communism. Although most Turds are atheist or agnostic, those who attend worship generally go the Church of Turdistan, believe it or not a branch of the Church of England. Of interest, a recent poll conducted by UN Committe on Religious NGOs determined that most of the members of the Church of Turdistan were surprised to learn of the existence of a God. Most believed that the purpose of attending church is to receive instructions on social consciousness.

 Figure 3. The Reverend Mohammed Wembish, rector at the Cathedral of St. Ahmet in Berq. 

Demographics, Culture and Geography. Turdistan has a total population of approximately 3 million, about a third of whom live in the capitol, Squirn. There is an official policy of population reduction in Turdistan, which has at its root the strange Turdi belief that human beings are a represent a kind of contamination of the earth; the population was 4 million as recently as 1975. More than 95% of the population is Caucasian, although most of them appear to wish they were not, as there is a cultural mandate that they dye their hair dark colors and spend hours per week tanning themselves. There are important but oppressed minorities from Nerdistan and Jerkistan, despite the official policy of ethnic tolerance.

Figure 4. Turds celebrate Equality Day, a National Holiday. 

Lake Bollox in the southern part of the country is the largest lake in Gonzonia and is home to a fish known as the Gonzonian Crappie.  It is the favorite source of animal protein to the Turds; otherwise the Turdi diet is almost exclusively vegetarian, consisting especially of bitter greens.

The Turds are highly educated, with a literacy rate close to 90%. Of interest, almost all of the universities teach exclusively the humanities, so there has been a gradual decline in technology. Almost half of the population are teachers. National pastimes include reciting poetry, foreign cinema (particularly French), and the consumption of wine.  They also enjoy the theater, and Lacrosse, the national sport.

 Figure 5. Mustafis Furbish, Left Attack Wing and star of the Turdi National Lacrosse Team. 

French culture is very popular in Turdistan. All things French represent, in the Turdi imagination, that which is of the highest quality. Almost no Turds speak French, but many of them pretend to do so, affecting nasal vowels, puckering their lips and brandishing crusty baguettes.

Politics. The Democratic Republic of Turdistan has two legislative houses, the upper house or Gobnob and a lower house, the Karnov. There is a judiciary branch but it functions more like a legislature in that it generates laws and legal standards. The highest court is the Exalted People's Court; it abolished the Constitution in 1988, declaring it "an obstacle to progress." The Executive of the Country since 1993 is the president, Mehmety Govnov; it is anticipated that he will remain president until his death. Term limits exists but they are consistently ignored.

All of the nation's media outlets are strictly controlled by the State. The most important newspaper is The Squirn Post, with a circulation of 500,000. There is only one television network, TurdTV, and programming consists almost exclusively of political orientation, Lacrosse matches, and low-key dramas with indiscernible themes. There is also only one radio corporation, Turd Public Broadcasting.

The ruling class of Turdistan, or the Stroonz (the "Enlightened Ones"), are the most highly educated and wealthiest 1% of the population. They believe it is their burden to hoard the wealth of the nation, so the common people will not be corrupted by its influence. They believe themselves immune to the moral dilemma of wealth by virtue of their high level of education. Virtually all of the politicians, judges and important people of Turdistan are from the Stroonz class.

Officially a pacifist state, Turdistan is nevertheless in an almost constant state of war. Their hatred of Jerkistan is almost without limits and skirmishes and conflicts between the Turds and the Jerks are commonplace. It is widely believed in Turdistan that the Jerks are born literally without brains, that they are greedy and gratuitously violent. Much of the content of the newspapers, television and radio programming is propaganda against Jerkistan.

Turdistan made frequent raids into Nerdistan until the 21st Century to plunder wealth and to capture "technical" slaves. "It is necessary to secure slave labor," wrote President Govnov, "to have sufficient manpower to operate an enlightened, egalitarian society like that of Turdistan. One cannot expect a people like ours to toil, particularly when so many have forgotten how."

Economics. Despite a relatively high educational level, most Turds are relatively poor. Fortunately all social services are free, including healthcare. On the other hand, there are only ten hospitals in Turdistan, and very few doctors, so the healthcare system is run by chiropractors and naturopaths. There are no Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) machines in Turdistan and only one CT scanner. The average life expectancy is 60 for men and 65 for women.

Exports from Turdistan include apples, fish, opium and tobacco (even though tobacco is highly illegal in Turdistan). Turdistan and Jerkistan together produce 85% of the world's bat guano, mined from the extensive mountain ranges.

II. Jerkistan.

Figure 6. The Flag of the Islamic Republic of Jerkistan. The Jerks' symbol is the Asian Rhinoceros, which they believe accurately captures their national spirit of belligerence. It is ironic because the Asian Rhinoceros is actually rather cowardly. 

To the East we find the Islamic Republic of Jerkistan. It is officially a theocracy, although the Jerki sect of Islam is essentially unrecognizable to Sunnis or to Shia Muslims. For example, Jerki Muslims believe that Jesus, Mohammed and Charles Spurgeon were the same person. They abstain from vegetables, subsisting primarily on fatty meats and cornbread; salads and stir-fry dishes are forbidden. Pork is permitted, but only if it is fried (Jerkov Porqi).  Islamic scholars elsewhere in the world have issued a fatwah against Jerki Islam, noting that it is "foolishness."

Figure 7. The Mosque of Jonikash, in Az'holabad. 

Demographics. Culture and Geography. The population of Jerkistan is approximately 4 million. The capitol is Az'holabad, with a population of 500,000, but the largest city is Sqrotoum, population 800,000. The Jerks are a fair-skinned people and they have a suspicious attitude toward other ethnic and religious groups. Therefore almost all of the population of Jerkistan are Jerks. There are small but isolated and oppressed populations of Turds and Nerds, functioning in essentially servile roles.

Jerkistan is the largest of the MicroRepublics, with an area of approximately 3,000 square miles. The second largest lake in Gonzonia is Lake Kraq, considered by the Jerki Muslims to be the holiest body of water in the world. It is precisely at Lake Kraq where the Prophet Mar'jin is said to have relieved himself and the Jerks make pilgrimages there to bathe and be healed of infirmities by the salty warm waters.

The Turds are vehemently hated by the Jerks. It is accepted as fact in Jerkistan that all Turdi men have vaginas and the Turdi women have penises.

The national sport of Jerkistan is rifle marksmanship. Education is despised in Jerkistan; school only goes to the eighth grade and there is only one university: Az'holabad College of Exalted Business Adminstration. Jerks believe that everything they need to know is in their Holy Book, Dianetics.

Figure 8. Bloz Kabela, winner of the 2010 National Jerkistani Marksmanship Medal. 

Politics. As an Islamic Republic, the Supreme Ruler is an Imam named Ali Wakbarov. Wakbarov has been in office since 1988. He must approve all of the legislation of the elected parliament, The Diet of Phat, before it can be enacted as law. The Grand Imam also has the sole power of veto; if he believes the laws do not conform to Sharía they will not be implemented. He may also create laws as he sees fit to support or enforce the Holy Islamic Republic.

Jerk Sharía, then, is the law of the land. For example homosexuality is punishable by death for common people. Of interest, however, it is accepted and widely practiced among the ruling class, or Pedez. Similarly the average citizen of Jerkistan must bathe daily; if they are perceived as having a body odor by the Jerki Kulturi Polizi they are beaten but the Pedez rarely bathe. Making use of a woman of ill-repute, or Snooki, is punishable by stoning but the Pedez have entire paddocks of male and female Snookis at their disposal. 

Jerkistan has effectively been under a state of martial law since 2002. At that time Ali Wakbarov established the Sekuritatni Stat "in order to protect our freedoms." It is ruthlessly enforced by the Sekuritatni Polizi, who can arrest without a warrant, detain indefinitely without charges and torture arrested suspects. Most Jerks have suffered under the current system, but as Prime Minister Kolboz Bobo said in 2010, "It is a small price to pay to be free."

Economics. The Jerki economy is dominated by the three great Korporazi, or dominant industries. The largest is Kakaboli, the company that mines guano in the mountain region. The second largest is Agrinaz, an agribusiness conglomerate and then there is Smerzikon, manufacturer of weapons. The vast majority of Jerks work for one of these organizations. The chairmen of each of these Korporazi are members of the Pedez and have seats in the Parliament. As such they function under the direction of the Supreme Leader. The standard of living is somewhat higher than in Turdistan, a fact that enrages the Turds. The Jerks do not pay taxes, but the state's operating costs come from confiscations by the Sekuritatni Polizi.

The major exports of Jerkistan are weapons, apples, honey and guano. About 30% of the guano produced in Jerkistan is fashioned by artisans into pottery and vessels for food and beverages and most of those are exported.

III. Nerdistan 

Figure 9. The Flag of the Confederation of Nerdistan. The image of the two-headed eagle was imported by the Seljuks, but to the Nerds it represents constant vigilance against the Turds to the West and the Jerks to the East. 

Uncomfortably situated between Turdistan and Jerkistan is Nerdistan, population 3.5 million. The population of Nerdistan has not grown since 2009. This is thought to be for two reasons: The history of the kidnapping of Nerds for technical servant labor by Turdistan and Jerkistan and also because for some reason, the women of Nerdistan prefer to marry Jerks and Turds.

Demographics, Culture and Geography. The population of Nerdistan is more diverse than the other MicroRepublics. Most of the population are Caucasians, but approximately 20% are ethnically Chinese, 10% are ethnically Hindi and 10% are Khazar Jews. A significant number of the population are refugees from Turdistan and Jerkistan. It turns out that the ability to work quadratic equations is grounds for expulsion from those two countries as it is forbidden for citizens, but fortunately it is a qualification for citizenship in Nerdistan.

The capital of Nerdistan is Da'weeb, with 500,000 inhabitants. Other important cities include Dorqov (300,000), Wangi (250,000) and Putzov (100,000). There is no official state religion in Nerdistan, but many are practiced. The largest church is the Church of the Subgenius, with approximately one half million adherents.

Figure 10. The Reverend Ivan Stangolov, Minister of Religion of the Confederation of Nerdistan and Solemn and Serene Patriarch of the Church of the Subgenius. 

Figure 11. The Cathedral of St. Nikolai Tesla in Da'weeb. A significant percentage of the Caucasians in Nerdistan are Slavs, who immigrated here to play chess. The Orthodox Church of Nerdistan has 300,000 adherents. 

Nerds dislike the Turds and the Jerks because of the history of frequent raids by those countries into Jerkistan for the importation of technical servant labor. Science and Mathematics are considered taboo in Jerkistan and Turdistan; nevertheless skilled scientists, mathematicians and engineers are needed in those lands to run factories, machines and utilities. The raids were successfully halted by the Nerds in 1990 by biological warfare. The gene for lactose intolerance was inserted by Nerdi scientists into the chromosome of the highly infectious schizobacillus. The germ was introduced into and spread throughout Turdistan and Jerkistan and those populations were paralyzed by flatus, abdominal pain and severe diarrhea. The Nerds were immune, as they are already lactose intolerant. Since then the Turds and the Jerks are suspicious of and intimidated by the Nerds, fearful of their sorcery, and they have for the most part left them alone.

The national sport of Nerdistan is paintball. The Cup of Nerdistan is held every three years in Putzov and it is a Federal Holiday so everyone might participate. The crowds consume fried lactose-free cheese and kwos (a dark, sweet, carbonated beverage) and advocate for their champions with spirited words of encouragement. The most common pastimes are computer games and board games.

Figure 12. Zorki Borzagis commands a Q-21.2 "Zhukov" Paintball Tank during the championship in Putzov. 

Nerdistan is one of the most tolerant of the Republics of Central Asia. There are Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Religion, and the Right to Bear Electronics. All kinds of lifestyles are sanctioned as long as there is not a lot of noisy moaning and whatnot. The Confederation is libertarian in orientation but not so much philosophically as by a desire not to be bothered with meaningless details.

There are 23 universities of Nerdistan, all awarding degrees exclusively in the sciences, mathematics and history. 18% of the population are physicists. Almost ten percent of the country are doctors, mostly internists and psychiatrists. Nerdistan has more dermatologists and dentists per capita than any other country.

Politics. Nerdistan is a confederation of its fourteen Departments (regions). Each department is headed by a Dean, who reports to the most powerful executive in the country, the Chancellor (Dr. Borb Weebis, an engineer by training, since 2008). The Deans are popularly elected by the Faculty Senates of the Departments, and they in turn form the Council of Da'weeb, also called the Nerdokratia, who elect the Chancellor.

There are over 100 political parties in Nerdistan, but the largest are the Particle Theory Party, the String Theory Party, and the Assembly of Fractals. Anyone with an IQ higher than the averages of those in Turdistan (90) or Jerkistan (89) may vote, regardless of age.

Economics. The economy of Nerdistan is based on the manufacture and exportation of silicone chips. The Nerds were the first to develop the robotic girlfriend prototype J-19 and approximately 5000 are produced at the factory in Dorqov every year. A glitch in the software code was found in the J-16 through 18 models, resulting in the units wandering off into Turdistan and Jerkistan when the owners were at work or at the board game or comic book stores. The latest model, the Kuoko, sells for $10,000 US and while many are sold within the country, most are exported to Japan and the Netherlands.

While the standard of living is high in Nerdistan, there are nevertheless serious problems. None of the Nerds are willing to do manual labor; guest workers from Jerkistan come into the country to perform these functions on two-year visas. There has also been a serious decline in productivity since World of Warcraft was introduced in 2006.

Conclusion. We hope this has been an interesting journey into Central Asia and that you have learned a great deal. It is truly enlightening when we realize that no matter how strange or exotic a culture may be, they are really not so different from us.

(c) Copyright 2011 Robert Albanese